jason turner is a horrible magician. If he pulls one more fucking quarter from behind my ear, I am going to lose it.

throughout the course of his magic career, he has blinded six assistants with errand flames, cut 2 in half, lost countless rabbits in the infinite space of his top hat, and emotionally scarred a roomful of children when he made a balloon hotdog disappear up his anus.

he is usually drunk when he performs, and often times his top hat is a beverage hat with 2 straws descending to his mouth from his cans of coors light.

if i ever accidentally had a kid, i would never hire jason turner to perform tricks at any of his/her/its birthday parties, and would furthermore never let jason turner within touching distance of him/her/it

the one trick jason turner can always nail is being a fucking asshole.