Jason Fetz has a fucking problem, literally a problem with fucking.

Some people are perverts and will slip drugs into peoples drinks. Other people hide in alleyways with burlap sacks in there hands waiting for that hot piece of ass to come by. Others use weapons to knock their prey unconscious. Jason Fetz is all of these things, because Jason Fetz is a rapist.

Those words are not to be taken lightly. Jason Fetz literally rapes anything. One morning as I walked into the kitchen to eat a bowl of fu man chews, I opened the pantry and there he was, raping my cereal. It’s beginning to become a major problem, as Jason Fetz only really rapes inanimate objects that belong to me. It’s kind of like in that movie about vampires when that one vampire is sick of being a vampire so it only vampires from dead animals. Actually, it is exactly like that. Jason Fetz rapes dead animals. He’s like a dog always trying to one-up all the other dogs in the park by fucking something. As I’m writing this at my desk, I’m pretty sure I can hear Jason Fetz raping something in the other room.

Stop raping my stuff Jason Fetz.