Sometimes, when I’m telling a story that involves Jason Fetz, the person I am talking to says something like “Jason Fetz… do I know him?” “maybe, I don’t know who you know and who you don’t” “well… what’s he look like?”

This is my typical answer –
“I dunno… Jason Fetz is a weird looking dude. Not weird like he dresses like an asshole, but weird in a… not-quite-deformed, but not-quite-not-deformed way. He’s on the short side, I’d say about this tall” (I then hold my right hand to the middle of my chest to indicate how tall I mean), “rough hands, smooth face. Actually, his face is smooth like a babies face, excluding the pox marks that scarred him in childhood. He has very small hands, almost comically small. Sometimes I ask Jason Fetz to pass me things just to see how petite hands actually are, I asked him to help me move for that very fact. I’d say ‘hey Jason, hand me that box’ and I’d just laugh and laugh at his tiny hands. His body is lumpy, kind of pear shaped. A pear with other pears coming out of the main pear so it all looks very lumpy. He’s balding a little I think. I don’t know. Black eyes. Big ears… the bones in his face look like they’ll never stop growing... Oh wait, you know him. He’s that guy that shit his pants that time”

I can say this and everyone automatically knows precisely who I’m talking about.