Jason Fetz often has horrible migraines. You can see when they come to him, as his face wrinkles and his eyes resemble those of a small sleepy child. His teeth grind and he lets out small yelps like a human smoke alarm quickly draining through its batteries. It is evident that he is in severe pain, though he would like you to believe that his is fine. It is useless to extend a remedy for his pain, as he will refuse it. Jason Fetz is stubborn and juvenile in this state, and it is best just to deal with his moaning and complaining.

The only way I can stand being around Jason Fetz in this form is to go into his room and steal something that I really like. This is why I own the following things that I did not buy…

• 1 bonsai tree
• 1 1978 issue of playboy
• 2 1/2 pairs of socks
• 14 televisions
• 3 empty rubbish bins
• 1 jimmy fallon poster
• 6 boxes of playing cards

Though I realize it is not nice to steal, and even more appalling to steal from friends. Who really gives a fuck? Jason Fetz is a baby when he has a meager head ache.
I wish Jason Fetz wasn’t such a dickhead.

Also, quit buying televisions.